Quick Joke

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Moon
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Fri Feb 08, 2013 2:55 pm

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.

My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

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the blade master
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby the blade master » Fri Feb 08, 2013 4:18 pm

yes i know the feeling ;)
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a wise man can learn more from a foolish answer than a fool can from a wise answer
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Big Lazy » Fri Feb 08, 2013 7:40 pm

I cant wait till later, I'm getting myself a nice bird, with a good set of legs that i can wrap my hands around, whilst nibbling on a nice pair of juicy breasts...

I f*cking love KFC :mrgreen:
Pimp or die baby!

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the blade master
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby the blade master » Fri Feb 08, 2013 9:25 pm

kfc aint they the ones that feed there so called chickens on oats and hay :D
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a wise man can learn more from a foolish answer than a fool can from a wise answer
the only time a fisherman tells the truth is when he calls another fisherman a liar

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Moon
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Fri Feb 08, 2013 9:34 pm

I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny".
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

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the blade master
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby the blade master » Fri Feb 08, 2013 9:39 pm

thanks moon ive just gagged up my pork pie lols
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a wise man can learn more from a foolish answer than a fool can from a wise answer
the only time a fisherman tells the truth is when he calls another fisherman a liar

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Moon
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Fri Feb 08, 2013 10:18 pm

the blade master wrote:thanks moon ive just gagged up my pork pie lols

It's the way I tell 'em Mick. :D

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says...
"How dare you call me a slapper...get out of my bed right now and take your f*cking mates with you!"
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

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Geordie Ross
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Geordie Ross » Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:22 am

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fu**ing drain is clogged again."
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Dotanuki2K » Sat Feb 09, 2013 1:22 am

Moon wrote:The human body has 7 trillion nerves.

My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!


This comes from the guy, who when I told him I was worried about retiring and being home with the wife all the time.
"Don't worry about it, it ain't that bad"
I imagine moon is snickering over that one.

English humour really amazes me.
Moon makes a joke about oral sex.
then mick says he just gagged up his pork pie.
I'm not sure if I missed something or not?
Experience is is simply the name we give our mistakes

Maynar
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Maynar » Sat Feb 09, 2013 6:17 am

Love me some Vicar of Dibley, Red Dwarf, Waiting for God, all that good stuff, but:

What's a "slapper?" :trout
I am Brother Maynar, keeper of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. And the number of the counting, shall be three.

It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.

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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Geordie Ross » Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:12 pm

Slapper = slu t
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Maynar » Sat Feb 09, 2013 4:37 pm

Thanks G! :D
I am Brother Maynar, keeper of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. And the number of the counting, shall be three.

It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.

Maynar
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Maynar » Mon Feb 11, 2013 1:20 am

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
...
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
I am Brother Maynar, keeper of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. And the number of the counting, shall be three.

It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.

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Moon
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Tue Feb 12, 2013 5:50 pm

Image
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

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gooseman
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Re: Quick Joke

Postby gooseman » Wed Feb 13, 2013 6:52 am

Oh MY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a deer usally comes by at this point in time for me but a Lion !!!!!!!!!!!!!
[img][IMG]http://img197.imageshack.us/img197/3463/priorities.png[/img]

Uploaded with ImageShack.us[/img]
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:



Men Are Just Happier People --



What do you expect from such simple creatures?



Your last name stays put.



The garage is all yours.



Wedding plans take care of themselves.



Chocolate is just another snack.



You can be President.



You can never be pregnant.



You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.



You can wear NO shirt to a water park.



Car mechanics tell you the truth.



The world is your urinal.



You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.



You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.



Same work, more pay.



Wrinkles add character.



Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.



People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.



New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



One mood all the time.



Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.



You know stuff about tanks.



A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.



You can open all your own jars.



You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.



Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.



You almost never have strap problems in public.



You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.



Everything on your face stays its original color.



The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.



You only have to shave your face and neck.



You can play with toys all your life.



One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.



You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.



You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.



You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.



You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.



No wonder men are happier.

______________________________________________________



Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES



If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.



If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.



EATING OUT



When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.



When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY



A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.



A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS



A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.



The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS



A woman has the last word in any argument.



Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.



A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.



A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP



A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.



A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL



Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING



Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, birthdays, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.



A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY



A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



Send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ..... and to the men who will enjoy reading it
da gooseman


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