Quick Joke

Chat with like minded people. Post anything in 'general' from latest happenings in the media to whats your favourite food!

Moderators: Big Lazy, Moderators

User avatar
Moon
Posts: 2851
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:57 pm
Location: In orbit

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Mon Feb 18, 2013 12:04 pm

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers...so I did...she's 21 and her name's Lucy. :>
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

User avatar
the blade master
Posts: 2929
Joined: Sat May 05, 2007 2:46 pm
Location: here there and everywhere

Re: Quick Joke

Postby the blade master » Mon Feb 18, 2013 9:28 pm

lols nice one moon :D
forum moderator

a wise man can learn more from a foolish answer than a fool can from a wise answer
the only time a fisherman tells the truth is when he calls another fisherman a liar

User avatar
Moon
Posts: 2851
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:57 pm
Location: In orbit

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Tue Feb 19, 2013 11:07 pm

The Newfoundland Department of Employment, claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin
to investigate him.

Govt Agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes
about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

Govt Agent: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know"?
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

User avatar
Geordie Ross
Posts: 2311
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2011 4:48 pm
Location: South Shields Tyne and Wear
Contact:

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Geordie Ross » Wed Feb 20, 2013 12:36 am

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Maynar
Posts: 79
Joined: Sun Jan 06, 2013 4:18 pm
Location: Surrey, British Columbia, Canada

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Maynar » Wed Feb 20, 2013 4:49 am

Coupla good ones there, lads.

Image
I am Brother Maynar, keeper of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. And the number of the counting, shall be three.

It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the beans of java that thoughts acquire speed, the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.

User avatar
Moon
Posts: 2851
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:57 pm
Location: In orbit

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:23 pm

I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.

She said, "Have you got a nickname?"

"Yes" I said, "They call me Sled"

"OH... Is that because you are sleek and fast?" she giggled

"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

User avatar
Geordie Ross
Posts: 2311
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2011 4:48 pm
Location: South Shields Tyne and Wear
Contact:

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Geordie Ross » Wed Feb 20, 2013 3:04 pm

I got stopped by a woman in the street today. She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"
I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

User avatar
Spring Forest
Posts: 74
Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2012 6:45 am

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Spring Forest » Wed Feb 20, 2013 10:28 pm

A tall good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I have experience on Broadway, but now I want to be a movie star.'
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Let's get things straight... I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will never change my name! The van Lesbian name is a fine old Dutch name and is centuries old, I will not disrespect my forebears by changing my name. No, not ever...'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years .... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you need to change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed ...

Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

User avatar
Moon
Posts: 2851
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:57 pm
Location: In orbit

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Sat Feb 23, 2013 12:44 am

The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's soccer game in Germany have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England.
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

User avatar
Moon
Posts: 2851
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:57 pm
Location: In orbit

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Sat Feb 23, 2013 6:28 pm

Will You Live to see 85?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new G.P. doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (yeh I just reached 60). (I wish)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I could live to be 85?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 85?
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

User avatar
Moon
Posts: 2851
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:57 pm
Location: In orbit

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Sat Feb 23, 2013 6:54 pm

"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

User avatar
Geordie Ross
Posts: 2311
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2011 4:48 pm
Location: South Shields Tyne and Wear
Contact:

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Geordie Ross » Sat Feb 23, 2013 7:56 pm

Ahahaha
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

User avatar
Moon
Posts: 2851
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:57 pm
Location: In orbit

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Sat Feb 23, 2013 9:41 pm

Geordie Ross wrote:Ahahaha

Thanks Ross....... I'm here again next week. :D
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato

User avatar
Mellony
Posts: 404
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2004 12:54 pm
Location: Bolton, Manchester, England
Contact:

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Mellony » Sat Feb 23, 2013 9:51 pm

Woo page 4 - page 3 took way too much scrolling lol
Semper cogitatio.

User avatar
Moon
Posts: 2851
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:57 pm
Location: In orbit

Re: Quick Joke

Postby Moon » Sat Feb 23, 2013 10:52 pm

The wife and I were lying in bed last night when she said "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a w*nk. :roll:
"Wise men speak because they have something to say: fools because they have to say something"...Plato


Return to “General Chat”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baidu [Spider] and 5 guests